One might think that a show called Billions is all about money. While extreme wealth—both glamorized and de-glamorized—is indeed at the forefront of this Showtime series, it’s not the primary motivator of Billions’ ambitious characters. Instead, what everybody’s really after is power. Hedge fund billionaire Bobby Axelrod may be able to buy himself a Goliath-sized amount of it, but Attorney General Chuck Rhoades has the law on his side and the finesse to wield it however he likes. These two alpha-males attack each other like a couple of pitbulls for the never-ending quest to emerge as the top dog.
Power struggles abound in the world of Harry Potter as well. Like in Billions, with its camps of venture capitalists and district attorneys, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has its distinct four houses—Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff. Each house competes to earn the most points to be winner of the House Cup. So, what would happen if the characters of Billions piled into Axe’s private jet and hopped across the pond to Hogwarts? Remember, you can’t buy off the Sorting Hat. Here are Billions Characters Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses.
Chuck Rhoades - Slytherin
Really? Is this a typo? Mr. Moral High Ground Law & Order…a Slytherin? Yup. And he’s got the venom to prove it. While Chuck Rhoades may present himself as a gallant defender of the law, determined to slay yuppie dragons like Bobby Axelrod, there is no low Chuck won’t sink to to get what he wants. He’s jeopardized his marriage, ruined lives, and even broken the law himself. The only thing scarier than a Slytherin at the top of the heap? A Slytherin who desperately wants to get there.
While Chuck’s net-worth pales in comparison to Axe’s, Chuck still has a financial Slytherin pedigree. He comes from old money and is willing to use it to fulfill his all-consuming ambitions. Slytherin Chuck has a bit of a bite.
Wendy Rhoades - Ravenclaw
When your husband and boss are mortal enemies, it takes the wit of a Ravenclaw to gracefully navigate this sticky situation. Lucky for Wendy, she has it in spades. She’s a brilliant, savvy psychiatrist who knows how to guide and influence all sorts of personalities and egos. Ravenclaws almost never lose their cool and the only time Wendy will raise her voice is when it’s a conscious tactic on her part. Though she has her own ambitions, Wendy shows more foresight and risk aversion than Chuck or Axe. That’s what makes her so valuable to both men. While Wendy may not feel the need to be top dog, she dominates all the same.
Bobby “Axe” Axelrod - Slytherin
Axe may cling to his American dream story of the working class kid who took Wall Street by storm, but he’s every bit the slimy Slytherin that Chuck thinks he is. He doesn’t give one red cent about anybody other than himself. While Axe has two sons, his real children are his power and his wealth. There are a select few people whom Axe deems worthy of respect, but by and large he treats many people like trash, including some of his employees who work tirelessly to make him richer.
Though he may act bored with his affluence, Axe sure loves to flash it around. Audiences everywhere cringed when he dropped his kids off at their softball game via helicopter. Bobby Axelrod proves that all the money in the world can’t buy you redeeming qualities.
Lara Axelrod - Gryffindor
Don’t let the sports car and designer purse fool you; Lara Axelrod is no trophy wife. She’s a scrappy Gryffindor who’s only too pleased to give a verbal throw-down to anyone who threatens her or her family. Gryffindors will stand up to anyone and everyone, enjoying themselves in the process. Although Axe is the breadwinner and foots the bill for Lara’s luxe life, she isn’t afraid to rip into him like a Gryffindor lion if he crosses the line. When Axe tells an unforgivable lie, Lara cuts him from her life with the snap of her manicured fingers. As ironic as it may seem, Lara is happiest when she’s seeing Gryffindor red.
Taylor Mason - Ravenclaw
Many think that it takes Axe’s Slytherin cunning to become a successful CEO, but Taylor did it on pure intellect alone. They—Taylor identifies as non-binary—possess an unbeatable blend of analytic ability and an innate feel for the stock market. A misstep from Taylor is rare.
Ravenclaws aren’t known for their warm personalities as demonstrated by Taylor’s tendency to talk like a robot. While it can be a little unnerving, most people genuinely like Taylor. That is because they have principles. Even in the cutthroat world of Wall Street, Taylor thinks about their choices and subsequent consequences. Of all the people who can afford to fly in a private jet, who stops to think about their carbon footprint? Ravenclaws like Taylor, that’s who.
Mike “Wags” Wagner - Gryffindor
While he has the bank account of a Slytherin and the sleaziness to match, Wags is happy to leave the scheming and plotting to Axe. Wags just wants to use his money in pursuit of all life’s pleasures. While Wags is good at his job, to him going to work is more or less recovery time in between nights of debauchery. Should he have been a Hogwarts student, his weekends to Hogsmeade would be legendary. For sure he’d be convincing the barkeep at The Three Broomsticks to slip a little Firewhisky into his Butterbeer, as only a Gryffindor would.
Sure, Wags may not be the bravest Gryffindor, but he can pay somebody to do that for him.
Dudley Mafee - Hufflepuff
In the stock market trade, where scores of people are willing to stab you in the back as soon as the opening bell sounds, it’s crucial to have a loyal Hufflepuff like Mafee on your side. While he may not have the killer business instinct of his colleagues, Mafee will work harder than anyone to pull his weight. He even wore a mouth-guard to work to prove to Taylor how serious he is. Mafee may be a rich man, but for him the real reward is a hard day’s work. That’s such a Hufflepuff mentality.
The only time Mafee ever proved to be a liability is when his sterling principles directly conflicted with a play Axe wanted to make. Axe held an entire strategy meeting with Wendy to figure out what to do about a man who can’t be bought. Mafee will never be at the top of the food chain, but he’s okay with that; he’s comfortable in his own Hufflepuff skin.
“Dollar” Bill Stearn - Gryffindor
Dollar Bill may be content deferring to Axe and Wags, but that’s it. The only thing Dollar Bill cares about other than fleece sweater vests is being cock of the walk at Axe Capital. He does not respond kindly to those who threaten his perceived dominance. In this respect, he’s a lot like Axe, but Dollar Bill doesn’t possess the wiliness of a Slytherin. Instead, he has the brazenness of a Gryffindor. When feuding with Ari Spyros, Dollar Bill doesn’t plot against him. Instead, he just purposefully crashes into Spyros’ Porsche. A pathetic Gryffindor stunt, but Dollar Bill proved his childish point.
Charles Rhoades Sr. - Slytherin
If Rhoades Sr. doesn’t give off serious Lucius Malfoy vibes, nobody does. Papa Rhoades is a privileged, pompous misogynist who uses people as rungs with which to climb the social ladder. It’s no coincidence Rhoades named his son after himself; he totally thinks of Chuck as a Mini-Me. To Rhoades, fatherly love and affection is only to be doled out when Chuck pleases him. Sure, Rhoades talks a big game about the importance of family, but only a Slytherin is capable of treating their own with such cruelty and callousness.
But even old money can’t buy more time and as Rhoades Sr. continues to age, every day he and his antiquated Slytherin beliefs become just a little more irrelevant.
Bryan Connerty - Gryffindor
Bryan Connerty may have started as Chuck’s protégé, but the two went through a serious parting of the ways. This is because Connerty stopped buying into Chuck’s song and dance about morality and saw him for who he really was. This completely turned Connerty off and he became a Gryffindor dog with a bone, desperate to take Chuck down.
Alas, he’s never been successful in his quest. Connerty may have a few tricks up his sleeve, but he’s no Slytherin schemer. He also has no poker face, which doesn’t help. At Hogwarts, Connerty would so be a Beater on the Gryffindor Quidditch team—the kind who would pick fights with the Slytherin team at the drop of a Quaffle.
